Sins of the Father- Part 1

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I woke up to the brightness; the sunlight was pouring into my usually shady room. I had forgotten to pull the curtains tightly together the night before and there was a line of light that escaped through the opening of the curtains and shone right onto my bed. I stretched out my hand and played in the line of early morning sunlight. The peace and the beauty of it making me forget all my hardships. The dust bunnies in the line of light danced in the air; danced over my fingers as I wiggled them in the light. This was the peace I was seeking; this was the peace I had forgotten existed. This was the beauty of creation my father always spoke of; anyone looking at the pureness of sunlight and not feeling as if it could cleanse your every sin and wipe away all your pain would be evil, I thought; evil or simply lacking an eye to see beauty. I followed the light up from the floor to the foot of the bed and up onto my bed sheets. It stopped almost exactly on my now bulging belly. Almost as if God himself was caressing the being that was now growing inside of me, as if he was telling me, daughter go in peace—what was created in sin can be washed in my blood and be pure. For the first time since I found out I was pregnant I felt as if it was less of a death sentence and more of a way out and a way to regain the innocence I had lost. My child would be my salvation— born in sin, but washed clean. There would be no sins of the father executed on this child of mine. He or she would be innocent and I would protect that innocence in every way that I could.

I lay in bed basking in the peace and the beauty of the sunlight. I enjoyed it while it lasted because today was Sunday and my uncle would be coming soon to lead me in after church ‘Bible study’. I had feigned illness to get out of going to service, but I know I will not get out of ‘Bible study.’ I slowly fall back into a restless sleep, the impending visit bouncing around in my head; my dreams were disturbed.

I stir and realise that it is mid morning and my uncle has just entered my room, Bible in hand, priest collar still intact. I sit up in bed and wait, the less I protested, the faster it went and the faster I got back to being by myself. I let him sit next to me on the bed. He sat to my left and rested the Bible at his feet; he had told me that he did this (when I had bravely asked him one time) because he thought it was disrespectful to drop the Bible or let it fall to the floor. I usually found a spot to stare at during these ‘Bible study’ times, but today I was sitting directly in front of my full-length dresser mirror, so I focused on myself. No words were spoken and I saw as his hand crept up my leg, massaging my thigh and moving to massage my now ample bosom. I focused on my face, a face that did not change in expression even when I felt him tug at my shirt.

When he finally freed my shirt from behind my elbows, which had sealed to my sides, he saw the now noticeable swell of my belly and he looked up at me with a questioning look.  The reflection of this expression in the mirror was the strangest thing, something suddenly went ting! in my brain, as if a small bell had gone off and I awoke from where I usual go to hide.

“What is this Danielle?” he asked looking at me with a curiously questioning look on his face. “What have you been up to when I am not around?”

I could not believe what was coming out of his mouth, was he seriously asking me if I was sleeping with someone else? Was he as stupid and mindless as I wondered, not knowing that what he was doing to me all these months would lead to what he is seeing now? Unbelievable!

I pushed him away and leapt off the bed, for once I had the strength and the reserve to do something, to say something.

“Are you kidding me?” I screamed at the top of my lungs, I couldn’t care less who heard; my mother was in the living room watching her ‘stories’ on television and she would hear me soon enough. In fact, I think I heard the television volume lower as mine got higher.

“Are you for real? You have the gall to ask me what I’ve been up to when you are not around?”

I screamed at him with such vehemence, spit flew out of my mouth—I could not be bothered right now. I was just so out of my mind with anger, an anger that had been growing ever since my father had died and doubled in intensity the moment my uncle thought it was a great idea to make me his own special pet. I stood in a corner of my room and rested my hand on the dresser to steady myself; I could feel the pounding of my heart in my chest.

He pushed himself off the bed and stood up tall, straightened his collar, and smoothed his greasy hair back. He stepped forward so swiftly I didn’t see the slap coming, it connected with my right cheek and the force of it threw me against the dresser. I screamed in pain, tears burst out my eyes with such a ferocity I felt my eyes twinge; I kept screaming and was still screaming when my mother ran into my room looking all concerned.

“What going on in here? What is all this noise about?” her Trinidadian twang that I had always found so beautiful now seemed to sting as her words hung in the air. She looked towards me as I sat in the corner crying and I saw her face change; the concern pushed off her face by a shadow of dread and disgust. She turned towards my uncle and asked a question that put the final nail into the coffin that I had been constructing for her ever since the day we met.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………The entire story is a bit longer than this, but let me know if you want to read the rest ok. Tell me what you think!

The Solution

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My heart bleeds, Aches for a purpose to beat, I cannot go on. There is no reason to; No reason at all. This is the only way to atone for my sins; this is how it must be….

 

The letter lay on the desk, the ink still fresh. Alicia placed the cap on the pen and sighed heavily. She had finally decided to do it. She had worked up the guts to end it; she could no longer live with the burden of what she had done. She got up and walked across to her twin bed and sat down on the mattress heavily.

“This is it Alicia,” she said to herself. “This is it. You know you can’t ever face him after what you did so this is the best way; the best way for everyone. This is the only solution.”

She looked down at her hands one last time and watched them shake as they reached for the plastic pill bottle and shook out all of the contents—she did not bother to count them and it really didn’t matter at this point. She stretched across to get the glass of water, leaned back and threw the handful of pills down her throat and followed them closely with the water. It was painful to swallow, but in a few minutes there would be no more pain. She leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes and waited for the end to come; the glass still clutched in her hand.

Thoughts on her day soon came rushing back as she lay down. The clinic came to mind first. The cold grey building at the end of the dead end street with the 24/7 protesters outside looked foreboding. As she rushed in trying unsuccessfully to conceal her identity with shades and a hooded sweatshirt one of the protestors threw a rotten tomato at her and it hit her smack in her chest, ruining her favourite sweatshirt. He had gotten her that sweatshirt the day they went to the beach and she left her t-shirt on a tree to go into the water and came back to find it missing. The front had a picture of a rubber ducky on it, the rubber ducky in all its yellowness always made her happy; always made her think of him and how happy he made her. Now, the rubber ducky was no longer yellow, he was no longer happy. He probably felt as crappy as she did, except the stains of the rotten tomato may fade overtime, but what she was about to do would stain her soul forever.

She remembered walking into the clinic, the forms she had to fill out, the nurses who asked her all those obvious questions that made her feel so self conscious. I mean, why did they need to know when last they were ‘together’? It didn’t matter now that what she was about to do would make sure that they would never do anything ‘together’ ever again. It didn’t really matter, so why were they asking?

She remembered how cold the stirrups felt; the doctor who had such a nonchalant attitude made her take off her shoes. He didn’t want the mud she tracked in to dirty the stirrups. The coldness she felt all the way through and through, and then when the vacuum started she stopped feeling cold. Now, a feeling of emptiness came over her. The emptiness that was the only solution she knew.

Now, in the emptiness of her room she realized this was something that had had to be done. She was only 16 and he was 25. She knew her parents would kill her, she knew he would get arrested for what they had done so many times in the backseat of his minivan; it had to be done to save his marriage. It had to be done.

As she drifted away into the darkness that was slowly engulfing her, she suddenly felt a rush of guilt about leaving her parents without telling them she loved them. She wanted to add that to her note, but she could no longer move her arms, she could no longer move. The glass fell out of her hand onto the carpet, spilling the remainder of the water; the sound muffled. The end was close. She began to cry in her head and the silent tears rolled down her cheeks and stopped. This was it; this was the end.

Darkness wrapped her in its warm embrace and she breathed her last breath, regretting her decision, but not being able to turn it on its head. Her choice had become something she could no longer walk away from, she had made it and there wasn’t going to be a do-over.

Links to my writing (non-fiction)

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Hi guys, just thought I would give you a taste of my non-fiction writing. I usually write for my University’s newspaper as well as magazines. So here are the links of the stories I have done. Tell me what you think!

‘More than a 50/50 experience: Alumni Awards reveals the essence of UWI’

‘Adopt-a-Student. A Little goes a long way’.

‘Work Perks: WOW Recruitment Fair brings best of both worlds’ 

There are others, but the online versions are not loading. 😦 Hope this gives you a taste of what I can do-at least non-fiction! I should post up some short stories maybe tonight or over the weekend for you guys to read and rate.

Struggle

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I want you so bad it hurts.

I had one taste, just one, and now I am hooked.

But I must get out or I will pay the consequences I must get out

Because love is stronger than lust when time is brought into the equation,

Lust is stronger when chemistry is in the mix.

Your lips, your tongue, I wish to caress my skin; to explore my insides, outside…

Your touch so soft I wish to feel-hard, tender.

You are inside me and I moan for more, I want you there forever.

But no. I cannot because I love another

I just want, yearn, crave for your body like no other

Tension in my loins does not abate, but grows stronger with every breath

Each dream I have of you seems larger than life.

I love another truly, but I desire you.

Tell me your dreams

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Tell me your dreams,

Reveal to me all.

I look into your eyes;

And see love.

I touch you, and I feel love

You whisper, and I hear love.

You hold me, and it is like a ship coming to harbour

Your arms-the very wings of an angel.

Is this life itself?

This love I feel?

Or is there more?

I can live, being yours, Being in your dreams.

So Tell me your dreams,

Reveal to me all.

Obsession

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Your lips I crave to envelop mine

I long for your sweetness to flow into me,

To fill me with warmth never felt.

I long for your arms to cover me with the love of you.

Our hearts to beat as one as we hold each other.

We are one.

Your voice flows like treacle and is as sweet as honey.

My ears rejoice as I hear the music of your laughter

The joy that comes from your heart.

I wish to be yours, yours forever.

Tis the season

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So it’s the christmas season and I’m supposed to be in this wonderful christmas spirit, but so far…nothing. Four days till the day and I am just plain ole tired…

Anyways about the book…well I sorta gave up and made it into a short story…it was kinda going nowhere and it seemed to want to be a short story, so I made it just that. I have been reviewing my short stories lately, making edits and grammar checks and putting them together so some lucky person can read. That is the part that turns my stomach into knots, getting someone to read my work. I have always liked writing, but there has always been this small silent voice in the back of my head telling me that nothing I write is any good…issues I guess I need to deal with sooner rather than later considering that I am in the midst of applying to do an MFA next year. I do hope that I find my calling, especially genre wise and soon I hope to see my work in print (published print that is).

So I am plodding along, writing wise, but I’ve got the christmas drama handled…wish me luck on getting through the season and getting some inspiration for my writing! See you guys next year! 2011 here I come!!

It continues…

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It’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog-got some time on my hands today and I said to myself, ‘why not’, so here goes.

The book is coming along…I got stuck a couple of weeks ago, but I unstuck myself with a neat trick of writing around the ‘main event/climax’ of the book-that chapter came flying out of my hands like magic in about a couple of hours… all 2954 words of it :).  I am proud, I must say that :D.

I am presently up to about 22 pages-not a lot compared to someone like Steven King (the master himself)- but good enough for someone who schedules it for the free time I have after my twice-weekly aqua-aerobics class. Its monumental! Of course I could write more, but if you ask anyone who writes, you will know that sometimes time on your hands is not all that’s important for writing, but the mood and setting and that one thing that makes the space comfortable.

I read an article once about the queer practices of writers the special ‘writing hats’, the special pen, paper, ink, typewriter everything that they need to make the space just ‘right’. Well for me, I need a laptop, a comfortable seat and background noise-so, on my bed with some music playing; at my table with the television on low, will suit me just fine. I found out a while ago I can’t write at my desktop, or at most desktops in fact don’t ask me why it’s just strange. So keep your finger’s crossed for me and hope that I will have more time as well as be in the right mood and inspired all at the same time!

I won’t tell you what the darn thing is about just yet so don’t ask. There is a lot  more pages, a lot more chapters to go, so here I go once again-merrily on my way to writing another 22(lets hope more) pages. 😀

Finally I have begun :)

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Its been a long time since I posted anything, but some great things have been happening! Well…namely one great thing-I have finally done up the template for my first novel and plan to put aside at least an hour a day to do it.  This is big for me because I have been speaking of writing a novel for a while and have not gotten the time to even begin it- I  have  never been at a loss for ideas though, which is good since now I have a wealth of ideas to pull from now as I have started the process.

So I will keep you all posted as to the progress of my new novel and when I reveal its title. I am so excited!! I do hope that all goes well and this book is well received. 🙂 Talk to you guys later!

Darkness Beckoning

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In her beloved’s arms she lies

Restless.

In her mind she considers the face of another.

She wonders of His kiss,

She longs for His hands to caress her body.

Her mind, restless with the thoughts of another.

She loves the one she is with,

But lusts for the one she never had.

Their affection unconsidered she wishes to awaken as she lies in the arms of her beloved.

Her beloved, the result of prayers answered,

Her beloved so devoted, so single-minded in his love for her.

Her beloved so contented next to her.

Her beloved.

She lays restless in his arms; never showing it

She lies next to him as the darkness of lust beckons.

Beckons and tempts her to fulfill her desires.

Her desires ignited by the sight of Him.

As the darkness beckons her reservations die,

Tear drop by teardrop.

As they hit her heart and make a hollow sound-

Stone.

She decides and takes the plunge

Into the darkness beyond the light of love

And leaves behind a shell that rests in the arms of her beloved.