My heart bleeds, Aches for a purpose to beat, I cannot go on. There is no reason to; No reason at all. This is the only way to atone for my sins; this is how it must be….
The letter lay on the desk, the ink still fresh. Alicia placed the cap on the pen and sighed heavily. She had finally decided to do it. She had worked up the guts to end it; she could no longer live with the burden of what she had done. She got up and walked across to her twin bed and sat down on the mattress heavily.
“This is it Alicia,” she said to herself. “This is it. You know you can’t ever face him after what you did so this is the best way; the best way for everyone. This is the only solution.”
She looked down at her hands one last time and watched them shake as they reached for the plastic pill bottle and shook out all of the contents—she did not bother to count them and it really didn’t matter at this point. She stretched across to get the glass of water, leaned back and threw the handful of pills down her throat and followed them closely with the water. It was painful to swallow, but in a few minutes there would be no more pain. She leaned back on her pillow and closed her eyes and waited for the end to come; the glass still clutched in her hand.
Thoughts on her day soon came rushing back as she lay down. The clinic came to mind first. The cold grey building at the end of the dead end street with the 24/7 protesters outside looked foreboding. As she rushed in trying unsuccessfully to conceal her identity with shades and a hooded sweatshirt one of the protestors threw a rotten tomato at her and it hit her smack in her chest, ruining her favourite sweatshirt. He had gotten her that sweatshirt the day they went to the beach and she left her t-shirt on a tree to go into the water and came back to find it missing. The front had a picture of a rubber ducky on it, the rubber ducky in all its yellowness always made her happy; always made her think of him and how happy he made her. Now, the rubber ducky was no longer yellow, he was no longer happy. He probably felt as crappy as she did, except the stains of the rotten tomato may fade overtime, but what she was about to do would stain her soul forever.
She remembered walking into the clinic, the forms she had to fill out, the nurses who asked her all those obvious questions that made her feel so self conscious. I mean, why did they need to know when last they were ‘together’? It didn’t matter now that what she was about to do would make sure that they would never do anything ‘together’ ever again. It didn’t really matter, so why were they asking?
She remembered how cold the stirrups felt; the doctor who had such a nonchalant attitude made her take off her shoes. He didn’t want the mud she tracked in to dirty the stirrups. The coldness she felt all the way through and through, and then when the vacuum started she stopped feeling cold. Now, a feeling of emptiness came over her. The emptiness that was the only solution she knew.
Now, in the emptiness of her room she realized this was something that had had to be done. She was only 16 and he was 25. She knew her parents would kill her, she knew he would get arrested for what they had done so many times in the backseat of his minivan; it had to be done to save his marriage. It had to be done.
As she drifted away into the darkness that was slowly engulfing her, she suddenly felt a rush of guilt about leaving her parents without telling them she loved them. She wanted to add that to her note, but she could no longer move her arms, she could no longer move. The glass fell out of her hand onto the carpet, spilling the remainder of the water; the sound muffled. The end was close. She began to cry in her head and the silent tears rolled down her cheeks and stopped. This was it; this was the end.
Darkness wrapped her in its warm embrace and she breathed her last breath, regretting her decision, but not being able to turn it on its head. Her choice had become something she could no longer walk away from, she had made it and there wasn’t going to be a do-over.